Embrace your dark side: A new perspective on negative emotions

In the 4th century A.D., Evagrius Ponticus escaped into the desert to contemplate salvation. An ascetic and philosopher, Evagrius came to believe that only by revoking the needs of the flesh could the spirit be united with God. And no emotions shackled the spirit more powerfully than lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, pride, vainglory, and despair.

Sound familiar? That’s because Evigarius’s writings represent the first appearance of what we now call the seven deadly sins*. His teachings would be passed down for two centuries before coming to the attention of Pope Gregory I, who, in 590 A.D., revised the litany into the standard seven. He cut despair, squeezed pride and vainglory together, tossed in envy, and voila — you have the cardinal sins.

What’s fascinating about the deadly sins is how enduring they are. Western Culture today is a far cry from Evagrius’s world. Yet, these sins continue to be warned against from the pulpit and regularly appear in art and stories to unnerve us or serve up Brothers Grimm-style moral lessons. This timelessness seems to stem from a deep concern shared by people across cultures and eras. 

That is: Some emotions don’t just feel bad or lead us to act uncharitably. No, some emotions can be deadly. Rather than risk them, we try to become emotional ascetics and divest ourselves from these feelings so that we might enjoy happy and fulfilling lives —  if not in the hereafter then at least in the here and now.

Ethan Kross, award-winning psychologist and expert on emotional regulation, has a different take: 

“If your goal is to lead a life bereft of [these] negative emotions, number one, you’re not going to be successful. They’re a part of how we operate. Number two, that is an undesirable goal because those negative emotions we experience serve a function. They’re really good for us when they’re experienced in the right proportions.”

I recently spoke with Kross about why it’s time we reevaluate our negative emotions. After our conversation, I came away with the sense that, in many respects, we finally have the knowledge and tools necessary to begin managing these emotions healthily and responsibly. That said, this understanding is not evenly distributed, and in its absence, myths, folklore, and misconceptions about our darker emotions continue to thrive.

A brief history of mixed emotions and split skulls

Kross opens his new book, Shift, by recounting some of the extremes humans have undergone to quell their darker emotions. For instance, skulls housing the telltale signs of trepanation — the practice of boring holes into the cranium — have been unearthed in places as distinct as China, Europe, and South America, with many dating back to the Neolithic period. This makes it one of the oldest known surgical procedures, and the locations of these boreholes suggest it was developed, in part, as a means of curing people of extreme negative emotions by — let’s say — giving the prefrontal cortex a nudge in the right direction.

“If you’re overcome with an out-of-character state of depression or anxiety, then clearly there has to be some spirit inside you pushing you in the wrong direction. So, let’s let it out,” Kross notes to explain our ancestors’ point of view.

And trepanation is just one such historical intervention cooked up to regulate disruptive emotions and behaviors. Kross adds exorcisms, bloodletting, witch burnings, and lobotomies to the list — the latter of which was a disturbingly common therapy as recently as the 1940s and 50s. In fact, lobotomies were so well-regarded that their inventor, Egas Moniz, won the Nobel Prize in 1949. Even more disturbing: The procedure was arguably the most humane option for many disorders given the available alternatives before neuroleptic drugs.

“Just think about that: At one point, poking holes in people’s frontal cortices was viewed as such an advancement to win the Nobel Prize. That puts into perspective how big a problem this has been historically and how far we’ve come,” Kross says.

Outside of physical interventions, societies have also devised all manner of rituals and practices that have kept our negative emotions in check or provided them an outlet (though, with mental health care more often an unintended consequence than stated goal). The result has been a vibrant panoply of feasts, festivals, ceremonies, celebrations, and forms of worship and prayer. Some of these we look back on with unease; others we still happily practice today.

“The emotions we experience in our inner worlds have likely always been of interest to us, but they have been shrouded with mystique because, until recently, we haven’t had the methods to really understand what is going on inside our minds and the physical tissue that underlies the mind, the brain,” Kross says.

Thanks to the monumental efforts of researchers, we have finally begun to unwrap the shroud of our inner worlds. Today, scientists have largely mapped the “loosely coordinated responses” that are our emotions unfolding within us. In short: A situation triggers an emotional response that prompts bodily reactions (such as releasing certain hormones), cognitive appraisals (how you feel about the situation), and outward behaviors (your facial expressions and body language).

The death of a loved one, for example, typically leads to the coordinated response we call sadness. Our bodies slow down, our minds retreat into a reflective mode, and our demeanor signals a desire for comfort. But, Kross points out, a situation prompting anger has a totally different response. Our bodies rev up, our minds enter action mode, and our body language signals, “Stay clear!”

Kross adds that these coordinated responses are considered “loose” because while they typically go together, that’s not true of everyone all of the time. They can be decoupled — as when an ace Texas Hold ‘em player hides an anxious bluff behind an unwavering poker face — and not everybody has the same response profile to the situations we face in life.

Scientists better appreciate the interpersonal and cultural dynamics that shape our emotions, as well. As Kross puts it, we are “consumers of other people’s emotions.” Humans are adept at reading others’ emotional states through tone, facial expression, and body language. We also find the fear, anger, sadness, and exhilaration of others virally contagious.

While emotions haven’t lost all their mystique, researchers are confident that they are an evolved capacity, shaped by culture, that helped us survive by making sense of our experiences, better cooperating with each other, and dealing with the situations we face. And that’s just as true for a negative emotion as any other.

“If you experience anger or anxiety or depression, there’s nothing wrong with you. Welcome to the human condition!” Kross says.

The bright side of dark emotions

As such, viewing negative emotions as barriers to happiness and fulfillment is about as accurate as believing them to be nefarious sprites that require a cranial exorcism. Instead, Kross advises that we see them for what they are: information. That information may not feel pleasant. Unchecked and unexamined, it may lead us to act poorly. But negative emotions are necessary for navigating our lives safely and well.

“We need to reevaluate the way we consider some emotions as dark because all emotions, when they’re experienced in the right proportions, have value,” Kross says.

Kross analogizes this value with physical pain. Like emotions, pain is an evolved response to a situation. Grab a hot cookie sheet without oven mitts, and you instinctively let go to prevent further harm. A cramp in your side while running is your body’s way to get you to ease up. That lasting backache tells you that it’s time to schedule a physical therapy appointment. We don’t recall such experiences with fondness, but each informs us something is wrong and pushes us to alleviate the problem.

To live without these pains may seem blissful but would, in fact, be a curse. That’s not a hypothetical, either. Kross points out that people who don’t feel pain — a condition called congenital insensitivity to pain (or CIP) — lead remarkably dangerous lives. Without an internal alarm system, they will unknowingly cut themselves, let infections fester, or walk around with broken bones. Many don’t live past 25. Those who do must be hyper-vigilant in examining their bodies or risk exacerbating even the mildest injury.

Similarly, negative emotions are our minds’ internal warnings that a situation is troublesome and demands our attention. Their purpose isn’t simply to make us feel miserable but to “motivate us behaviorally and cognitively to deal with it.”

Consider, for example, the deadly sin of envy. We all grew up being told not to compare ourselves to others, to the point that such advice feels common sense. However, recent research has suggested that comparing yourself to those you believe superior doesn’t have to be an exercise in self-loathing. It can have its benefits. Seeing such people as role models, for instance, can inspire and motivate you to work toward your goals.

“We de facto talk about social comparison in a negative light,” Kross says. “[But] we are a social species. Comparing ourselves to other people is a key way that we understand ourselves and the world around us. It’s built into the operating system of who we are.”

Without negative emotions, we would find ourselves in all sorts of trouble and sticky situations. Again, this is not a hypothetical. In a famous psychological case, a woman codenamed “S.M.” suffered brain damage that left her unable to feel fear. Researchers found she could handle snakes and spiders with ease, despite her claims to hate the creatures. However, they also discovered S.M. had a disturbing history of victimhood, having been the target of an unusually high number of crimes and life-threatening encounters. She simply didn’t hear the internal warning to not walk through dangerous neighborhoods or lock her doors at night.

“When you change your mental model to understand that experiencing [negative emotions] is your body doing what it’s supposed to do, you are radically transforming your experience in life,” Kross says. “You are exactly where you need to be when you’re experiencing those emotions.”

But as Kross warned, negative emotions need to be experienced in the right proportions, neither too intense nor for too long. When either is out of whack — too hot, too cold; too long, too short — the emotional information becomes more difficult to manage well. Not deadly, mind. But unnecessarily distressing and perhaps even disorderly.

Experimenting with emotions

Expanding the pain analogy further, sometimes the appropriate response is obvious. You burn your hand and run the blister under cold water. Other times, pain may have any number of potential causes and recommended remedies — as anyone who has ever consulted Dr. Google can attest. The same can be true for understanding how to manage our negative emotions.

“These are messy responses to some degree,” Kross says. “[But] the good news is that we didn’t just evolve the capacity to experience all these different negative emotional states. We also evolved this sophisticated apparatus to reign in those responses if we want to.”

This gets to the heart of Kross’s book Shift, in which he surveys the tools science has discovered for regulating the intensity and duration of our emotions. 

Now, if you’ve spent any time perusing the self-help section of your local bookstore, you’ll know there is no shortage of prescriptions for curing this or that negative emotion to live a happier life. Meditation, journaling, socializing, exercise, cold plunges, turmeric, nature walks, talk therapy, aromatherapy, hobby therapy, awe therapy, animal therapy, time therapy — all the therapies. The advice is endless.

These may have their place in one’s mental health routine, but they are “patchwork solutions.” Promoters often overpromise their effectiveness and oversell the strength of the scientific evidence, and the singsong language of their marketing can make it difficult to suss out the useful from the nostrum. Meanwhile, some of the most effective emotional shifters go underappreciated (and don’t require an app subscription to use).

For instance, switching up your environmental space from, say, a hectic office to a favorite cafe or park bench can help adjust your attitude about an anxiety-inducing project. Similarly, you can shift your emotions by leaning on your sensory experiences. Listening to a favorite song or the smells of your grandmother’s cookie recipe baking in the kitchen can offer a quick mood booster. Even avoidance — which is generally frowned upon in popular understandings of mental health — can be a useful tool when used wisely by deciding it is simply best to let the emotions go rather than continually dragging them out to be poked and prodded.

“The goal is not to run from negative emotions, or pursue only the feel-good ones, but to be able to shift: Experience all of them, learn from all of them, and, when needed, move easily from one emotional state to another,” Kross writes in Shift.

But even if an emotional shifter is backed by the evidence, Kross warns, none is universal. A tool that works well for one person may not work for another; a technique that served you well once may not serve you as well later on.

Consider reframing. This is the ability to change your cognitive appraisal of a situation by shifting where you place your attention. Instead of seeing failure as proof that you are no good, for example, you shift your mindset to see it as a learning opportunity and challenge to do better. For many people, this is a handy mental tool. But Kross points out that some people are so skilled at reframing that they can neutralize negative responses before considering them. This knee-jerk reaction helps them feel better about themselves immediately, but also dismisses an opportunity to learn from the situation that prompted the negative emotion. Missing that self-reflective step, they walk around with a distorted view of themselves and their place in the world.

And while we prefer pleasing emotions for obvious reasons, they aren’t always the answer to the situations we face. You don’t want to be the one laughing at a funeral, Kross says. That’s an appropriate moment to feel sadness and seek solace in the company of your fellows. Pleasure is also great, but if pursuing it leads you to ignore hard yet necessary work, then it’s time to temper the positivity a bit.

Understanding your emotional calculus

After our talk, one thing became clear: Kross is no Evigarius. For one, the University of Michigan lacks the deserts necessary for a proper hermitage. More importantly, he can’t provide anyone with a list of emotions or thoughts they must avoid to reach their goals. Science isn’t dogmatic like that. It’s a lively, ever-evolving, and self-correcting system of knowledge that substitutes absolute certainty for continual refinement.

While researchers have revealed much our ancestors did not know about emotions, they still have much to learn. Today, there is an ongoing debate over whether we evolved distinct, innate emotions (and how many there are) or whether they are constructed in the moment based on things like culture, personality, and past experiences. Researchers also need to better understand why specific interventions work better for some people than others and how to tell in advance for more accurate prescriptions.

“As a scientist, what I cannot do is tell you about how these tools combine to work for different people in different situations. I can’t tell you because that work simply has not been done,” Kross says. “What I can do is tell you about emotions, how they work, and the specific tools that have been studied.”

Kross can, however, offer two pieces of advice. First, familiarize yourself with the emotional tools available. Second, experiment to find the ones that work best for you. 

He adds that people rarely lean on only one tool or technique to manage their emotions. Most people use between three and four regularly and may need to swap them out as the edges dull over time. Maybe journaling was your thing a few years back, but now it feels less useful. If so, set it down and give meditation a try or experiment with reframing. If you feel the need, you can always return to journaling. 

The goal shouldn’t be to find that one feel-good therapy that solves all your problems. It should be to collect a bunch of strategies and mental tools that you can employ widely and regularly to manage your emotions and the situations that give rise to them.

“If you understand the calculus, if you understand the little switches or shifts that can push you in different directions, it gives you lots of opportunity to be more agentic about steering your emotions and yourself where you want them to be,” Kross says, adding, “Let’s not work against the machine that is who we are in terms of how our emotions are calibrated. Let’s work more skillfully with it.”

* Author’s Note: Earlier Judeo-Christian texts did warn against these thoughts — pride goes before destruction, after all — and earlier thinkers like Tertullian had composed their own tier lists of misdeeds, but Evagrius was the first to group together what we would later recognize as the deadly sins.